I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
