I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
