Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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