Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
