nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
