JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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