Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
