How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
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