my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
