I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Let's get the cat blown out
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
