I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
