She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
...so i touched it.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
