The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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