apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
