Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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