i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
