My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Man, jail baloney is awful.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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