I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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