On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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