No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
