Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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