I wish I could punch you in the face.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
