we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
