Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
