Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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