i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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