I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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