i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
