I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
