she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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