Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
