At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
