My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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