I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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