I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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