I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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