she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
