i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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