My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
my being single is dangerous.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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