I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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