I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Randomize
