I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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