There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
