You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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