I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
