I'm really into asian looking animals
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
