U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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