you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
