if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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