Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
