just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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