i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You know, be my cock's hype man.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
